Leviticus

And the Lord called Moses on his Blackberry, and spoke to him from the "tabernacle of the testimony cafe and nightclub", saying:

2 Word up dog, you gotta get down with the children of Israel and thou shalt say to them: The dude among you that shall offer to the Lord a sacrifice of beefburger and fries,

3 If the fries are crispy enogh, and the bugers aren't to fatty and shit, well that dude is going somewhere nice for a long time, ya dig?:

4 How to execute a cow, by God aged 4004

"You put your hand hand upon the head of the victim, and you kind of immolate the calf before the Lord, and the priests the sons of Aaron with a really sharp knife or a saw which is messier but still quite effective and erm oh, yeah, ye shall offer the blood thereof, pouring it round about the altar, which may appear wasteful, but (trust me on this), if that tabernacle door isn't swimming in offal and gore come sunset on the shabbat I gets tetchy.. "

Alternatively... for the word of the lord is not so fixed as once we believed...

Leviticus was a Hispanic bodybuilder engineered by the Jews to keep Jesus away. On April 12, 0012, Leviticus threw Jesus in the middle of the ocean in an attempt to stop him from stealing Gefilte fish from his then companion, Peter. However, there was something Leviticus was forgetting!