Chapter 1 - Creation[edit | edit source]
In the beggining Godzilla created the earth and a failed attempt at making humans, Godzilla created aliens. However, Godzilla was unhappy with them because:
- Dunsparce was one of them
- There was no children for his priests to molest
- They really looked like Muhammed
- They weren't as gay as Jezus would be
- They were the ancestors of priests and priests really like to molest children
- They hated Family Guy
- the nbgjgnpih. (Sorry this is an error in the bible)
- The aliens had big heads, but not in their pants.
For these reasons, he banished them all to Space (hence its dense population). that's why most of Space's population is athiest, ya know, the good guys. Also why is space so dark? God made it that way. There is a reason for this. Instead of let there be light, its Let there be darkness so I can play poker in peace. A lot of people don't know that.
Once upon infinite time long, long ago in a queendom not so far, far away the Goddess Gloria created First Universal Studios.
Conventional wisdom has it that the Greeks have championed that Adam was the first Olympian in that he was first in the human race. But in truth, Eve was the first earthling. If only Charles Darwin and Richard Dawkins had asked their moms where they came from instead of a bread fruit they would have realised that the prime cause, mover and shaker has always been a woman and first on the dance floor too.
Unconfirmed tradition confirms that Adam was not born of Eve but rather of a barbecued spare rib discarded late one Saturday night which the Goddess had delivered from the heavenly Kwik Tan's Chinese Takeaway Emporium, just prior to her creating the vibrator on the seventh day, pleasuring Herself, blessing it and making it holy.
But what do we really know about Adam? Not much, except that he didn't have a mother-in-law and he could hardly be Jewish as Jews take their religions from their mothers and he didn't have a mother either. But hang on a moment, he could never have been Jewish anyway as, Gore Vidal has pointed out, you are either a Jew or you are not, you can't be Jew-ish!
And what were Eve's first words to Adam? "Ah, that's a hard one."
We should thank our lucky quarks that Adam was a peasant farmer and not an astrophysicist as we haven't had to learn about particle accelerators in Sunday school.
Anyway, on leaving the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve erected the Ka'ba in Mecca. They also did the Hajj, which we respectfully point out has no connection to the Funky Chicken.
Chapter 2, back to the drawing board.
Godzilla ,after realizing his mistakes, remade time but instead of time travel he just said......Na! and made time and space so intricate, it was impossible to time travel. However after a few months the lawsuits started pilling up, walking and falling into everything, 'Damn it!' said Godzilla ,and not willing to give up sent them a guy who could figure out time travel. Yes, he's Albert Einstein.
Chapter 3: the dog
after 2 assnumbing failures god decided he needed a spy so he created a four legged friend for his next project , .a rere-atempt at the human, guess he didnt trust the slimy fucks, why do you think your dogs always around , hes droppin the dime on ya homey.
Chapter 4: The letter "i"
God loves this.
iPhone, iMac, iWife, iFuck, and most importantly,
Alternate Genesis I : https://archive.is/20130625211109/dapeebb.tumblr.com/post/12146378996/genesis-one
Genesis 2: Damned Dog[edit | edit source]
Alternate Genesis II :https://archive.is/20130625211134/dapeebb.tumblr.com/post/12165734827/genesis-two
Genesis 3: Bonsai Gardens[edit | edit source]
Alternate Genesis III :https://archive.is/20130625211143/dapeebb.tumblr.com/post/12520290997/genesis-three
Genesis 6: Noah's Ark[edit | edit source]
[A fragment from the Book of Genesis that were wrote by the prophet Melchizadek, who lived near Altringham in Lancashire. Dis-translated back into Lancashire Dialect by Ian Hughes. This fragment should be read with a Lancashire accent.]
An’ it sayeth:
[6:1] And it come to pass that men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them. And the sons of God saw that the daughters of men was fair and comely; and they took them as wives to bed, of all which they chose. And they fornicated mightily till the whole earth were overpopulated, and environmentalists were much dismayed.
And God saw that the wickedness of man were great upon the earth, and that every imagination, and the thoughts of his heart, and the programs on his television, were evil continually, even unto to the commercial breaks.
[6:6] And the Lord repented that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved his heart. [6:7] And the Lord said: "Ee am that bloody dischuffed. I shalt destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; and the pinots, for it repenteth me that I have made them.
And the Lord came unto Noah, who had flit to Lancashire, and were living at Irlham near t' Manchester Ship Canal under the name of Arkwright. And thus spake the Lord: ‘Hey Up Noah.’
And God said unto Noah, ‘It ‘appened 'afore an’ it’s ‘appened again. [6 :13] The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence and fornication, and hokey pokey penny a lick, and the sons of men won’t recycle their plastic. The whole earth has become wicked wi’ too much fornication till it is verily over-populated, and the Garden of Eden, up near Carlisle, it’s totally deforested, and species are becoming extinct and goin’ out of business. Climate’s changing, and the whole thing’s buggered up. I see the end of all flesh before me; and, behold, I will destroy them wi’ all the earth.’
‘Ooh, bugger me!’ says Noah. ‘I heard about that on t’ telly, so it must be true. But what can I do about it?’
‘Make thee another Ark out of gopherwood.’ And God gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
‘Rooms shalt though make in the ark, and thou shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. And windows shalt thou make in the ark, of a cubit up and across. And the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side therof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it." (6:14-16)
‘Ooh Heck’ said Noah. Yes God. Ummm, what’s a cubit? We went metric in 1995.’ And God gave him a measuring tape made in Israel.
[6:19] And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every kind shalt thou bring into the ark, to save them from extinction with thee; they shall be male and female.
[6:20] Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after its kind, two of every sort shall come unto the ark, to keep them alive. It should be easier this time because many of the species are extinct.
‘You have 6 months to build the Ark afore I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. [6:22] Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down from His gradely heights and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
‘Noah! the Lord roanged, ‘I'm going to start t’ rain next Tuesday! Where is t' bloody Ark?’
‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, 'but things have changed since last time.
I needed a building permit from Salford Council, and they said a breadth of fifty cubits is too wide for the Manchester Ship Canal even if it’s converted to metric. I told them you’re going to flood the canal, but they said it made no nevermind, and prattled on about the flood mitigation system. ’
I've been arguing with the Fire inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I've violated the Irlam zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark to the Manchester Ship Canal and to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn’t hear nothing of it.
Getting wood were another problem. There’s no gopher wood in these parts. Sam, the timber merchant, don't know what it is. There's a ban on cutting local trees to save the spotted owl. I told the environmentalists I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
Well, I started gathering beasties, like you said, but Animal Liberation held a demo outside me house and sued me. They said I were confining wild animals against their will. They said the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build a Ark because you hadn’t filed an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the status of most of the people who want work and the Arkwright’s Trade Union says I can't use my sons. They say I have to hire only Union Members with an Ark-building ticket.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm living on proceeds of illegal trade in endangered species, and customs won’t give me a permit to export endangered animals.
So, cast me to the flames of Hell Lord, for I am right heggled and I have failed to wright the Ark of the Lord.
But suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. And Noah were right gobsmacked. He fell swack on his back and looked up to the Heavens in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'Nay,' said GOD, 'They gormless pillocks in government have done it afore me’
Genesis 19: Sodom and Gomorrah[edit | edit source]
[As recited by Mike Harding] A long time ago my dear brethren,
before anybody here were a twinkle in their father's kneecaps,
There were two cities called Sodom and Gomorrah,
which were the owd names for Oldham and Collyhurst,
and in these cities of Sodom and Gomorrah
there were fornication and copulation and excavation
and hokey pokey, penny a lick and all t’ rest of it. And the Lord looked down on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah With his baleful eye (the one in the middle) and he was mightily displeased
And He spake unto His Archangel Michael thus:
"Hey up Mich’el, a word in thy lughole." "Yes God", said Michael. "I tell thee, lad," He said, "I am dischuffed to t' knickers with them two places and I am that dischuffed," He said,
"That I am going to open the heavens tonight,"
He said, "A big rent in t' clouds," He said,
"And I'm gonna drop my big balls of fire right on 'em," He said, ba-bang. "Are you sure ?" said Michael, "Are you sure ?" "I kid thee not," said the Lord, "For I am mightily displeased
and at 12 o'clock, bang, smoke, finito Benito." He said.
"Why 12 oclock ?" said Michael.
"Well," he said, "I've borrowed t' balls of fire from down below and they're going back at half past.
But," he said, "There is one man in the city of Sodom
And 'is name is Lot and Lot shall not have 'is lot,
so I tell thee to hie thee away to the city of Sodom,
Number 18, Clegg Street and fly in at t' front bedroom window
And tell him to flit, to get ‘bout, to begone." "Right-o," he said. "But," said God. "One more thing. Tell 'im not to look back when 'e's on 'is way out,
'cos if 'e does, my dire prognistications will befall him."
"Oh, bugger me," said Michael. So Michael flapped 'is big Marks & Spencers' wings
And flew out of t'windows of Paradise and into t' front window of Number 18, Clegg Street,
where 'e sat on the bed with one foot in t' chamber po'.
And Lot at that moment was in t' kitchen cooking a gradely pan of chips on t' stove
And 'e saw this great wakening light up t' back stairs
And 'e spake unto his wife, Sarah, thus and said,
"Hey up Mother, you've left t' bloody light on."
"Nay," she said, "I 'ave not, I switched it off."
And Lot ran up the stairs and there sat on the of the bed,
Writing in a book of gold, in a great wakening light,
with one foot in t' chamber po were th' Archangel Michael. "'Ow do,"said Lot, "Wot's to do ?"
He said, "It's the Lord." He said. "'E's dischuffed with this place," he said.
"'Ere," he said, "And Gomorrah," he said,
"Down the road," he said,
"Finito Benito, bang, smoke," he said.
"Big 'ole in the sky and God's big balls of fire are comin' right down." "Ooh, ecky thump!" said Lot. "I kid thee not," said Michael, "And I've got to tell thee," 'e said
"To flit, begone," 'e said, "Finito Benito," 'e said,
"Fast as you can and don't look back," 'e said,
"Otherwise dire prognostications will befall thee." "Ooh, Thank you very much, 'e said.” “Ta," 'e said.
"Is there owt I can do fer yer? Do yer want a chip butty
or a mash o' tea like, we've just brewed ?"
"No," 'e said, "I must be away down the road
to tell Noah 'e's going to have a wet summer."
And 'e flapped 'is big wings and flew out of t' bedroom window,
Over the Hills of Galilee, wi' t' chamber po still stuck on 'is foot.
And it was written in th' Israeli Times
that a poor unsuspecting shepherd were 'it on th' 'ead by a flying chamber po.
Well Lot descended into t' kitchen,
where the chip pan were blazin' up the wall
And 'is wife accosted 'im on the back of the 'ead wi' t' rolling pin forty times.
"You silly bugger," she said.
"Nay, Mother," 'e said,
"I went upstairs and there on the bed," 'e said,
"In a great wakening light was an angel."
She said, "Th' art pissed again."
"Nay," 'e said, "Nay, I tell thee true"
and 'e convinced 'er of the sincerity of the Word of the Lord. And so she packed 'er pension book and 'er 'Ula 'Oop and 'er roller skates
And together with Lot and 'is son and 'is son's wife
They left the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah at quarter to twelve
Just as the 'eavens opened and God dropped his big balls of fire out of the sky.
One fell right on t' gasworks and the other 'it the pie and peas shop up the road.
And as they skated out of the city of Sodom
They saw a red glow in the sky before them.
"I must look back," said Lot's wife.
"Nay," he said, "Look not back else dire prognostications will befall thee."
"Nay," she said, "I must look back," she said,
"Them Arkwrights at 32 will be t' first to get it, dirty buggers.”
An before Lot could stop 'er , lo, she 'ad looked back
And bang, smoke , she were turned into five foot two of Sifta Salt. Well, Lot skated on out of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah
On across the plains of Irlam toward Wigan.
And after forty days and twentyone and an 'alf nights
Wandering in the deserts of Wigan
'e sat 'imself down in the shade of a plastic palm tree left behind by Cecil B. De Mille
and 'e began to weep
and the tears rolled down 'is cheeks as the rain from 'eaven.
"Weep not, Father," said 'is daughter,
"for I will make thee a gradely pan of chips,
'cos," she said, " I've got five pounds of Edwards stuck down the leg of me tights."
She said, "It made roller skating a bit 'ard at first,"
she said, "But I've got 'em now."
And she cooked 'im a gradely pan o' chips and put a plate of chips on Lot's lap.
And Lot still wept and the tears rolled down 'is cheeks as the rain from 'eaven
And his daughter spake unto 'im and said, "Father, why weepest thou ?"
"Oh," he said, "I wish thy mother were 'ere."
"'Ow is that ?" said the daughter,
"For thou liketest 'er not when she was alive
and gave 'er knuckle butty and finger pie." she said
"Nay," he said, "I wish thy mother were 'ere;
I can't stand chips without bloody salt !"
Chapter 20: Abraham
Abram and Sarai become Abraham and Sarah
The Bible then introduces us to the Big Daddy of all the patriarchs, the superhero Abraham. The easiest way to get a handle on the importance of Abraham is to leave Genesis for a moment and look at the first nine Chapters of the First Book of Chronicles, which traces the Bible genealogy from Adam all the way to King David and his descendents. Christians can trace the origins of Jesus back to David’s ancestors, Boaz and Ruth (but see the caveat in the Chapter on Ruth). Muslims can trace the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) back to Ishmael, son of Abraham and brother to Isaac. When Abraham was born and given the first name Abram he probably had little idea that he would grow up to be the father of three of the great religions, the superbrands: Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
He really must have been a very special guy for not one, not two, but three religions to claim their origins in him and for Richard Harris to have been selected to play him in the movie Abraham. But, let’s not forget the ladies; Sarah was played by Barbara Hershey. It is also no coincidence that the creator of the first world atlas, Abraham Ortelius, was named after the father of Real Estate. You may also be interested to learn that it was actually the man god himself who started the Jewish custom of changing names by putting the “h” from his own name Elohim into Abram to make Abraham. (Note there are only consonants in Hebrew).
Merrily, merrily, I say unto you that it is indeed most confusing to put Abraham into his correct time frame. It is in times of trouble like this that one can do no better than turn to Bible for help. Here we have to take a huge leap of faith from Ye Olde Testosterone to the New Testes and read the testimony according to St. Matthew. Now, Matthew was a tax collector for the Romans, who interestingly enough for a Hebrew, allegedly wrote his Gospel in classical Greek and, not, Aramaic. Anyway, he shares with us the fact that, “All the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations: and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations: and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations”. That is to say 42 x 20 = 840 years. At last, an authentic statement of the history. (St. Matthew 1, verse 17). Dear reader of the book, you are cordially invited to do the math.
Anyway, Abba came from Ur, which lies south east of modern day Baghdad and which used to be called Babylon. His own father, Terah, takes him, Sarah, born Sarai, his wife and his nephew Lot from Ur and they travelled to Haran in Syria. It is here when Abraham is 75 years old that the man god tells him to leave his father’s house, kin and country and go into the land of Canaan. But there is a famine in Canaan and he takes himself and 69 of his people to Egypt instead. We will find out by the time of the Exodus under Moses, 430 years later, that this small group had increased to some 600,000 men plus their families and livestock. Well, there was no TV in those days and there is a limit to how much enjoyment you can get from watching the pyramids being built.
Both he and Sarah are survivors but had experienced difficulties in conceiving children together and it is not until Abraham reaches the ripe old age of 99, when Sarah, 90, gives birth to the 12 tribes of Canaan, Judah, Israel or Palestine or a combination of all four, depending on your point of view, though mercifully not all at the same time. (But, not before the Hagar episode which is related below).
Prior to this birthing experience we are witness to old Abba’s denial of his wife before Pharaoh when he pretends she is his sister. Now, Sarah was a fair woman to look upon and Abraham feared that if the Egyptians found out he was her husband he risked his life and they would take her. As an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy Pharaoh took her into his household anyway and presumably had his wicked way with her. Sarah was in her mid-sixties at the time and must have been a real stunner for Pharaoh to have preferred her to the Nubian slave girls of his day. The niceties of the diplomacy of the time are rather lost on us today but in any event the man god was displeased and plagued Pharaoh and his house as punishment for his treatment of Sarah, even though Pharaoh returned Sarah to Abraham when he found out she was in fact his wife or, clickity click, 66.
And Abraham went up out of Egypt into Canaan and it is here that we have the first reference to the religious grounds where the Lord said unto Abba, “Lift up now thine eyes and look from the place wherein thou art a stranger northward and southward, and eastward, and westward. For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.” Clear references that the Holy Land belongs to the Egyptians, Iraqi’s or as we as we shall see below, the Scots. Yes, the Jocks pop up everywhere in the Bible Story. In fact, one even makes it to the “crucifiction”. None other than the redoubtable Sherlock Holmes of the Bible Story and author of “The Bible Fraud”, Tony Bushby, shares with us incontrovertible evidence of a Scottish witness to, perhaps, the most famous double cross in history. His painstaking research has found, “A curious painting which showed a Scotsman in a kilt watching the crucifixion”. This chef d’oeuvre may be seen today in the church of Rennes-le-Château in southern France where it was preserved by the local parish priest, Berenger Saunière. The moral, here, surely is you simply can’t keep the descendents of Abraham out of the picture as our research below reveals.
Now Abraham’s wife is first thought to be barren and it is at Sarah’s suggestion that he takes a concubine in the form of Sarah’s Egyptian handmaiden, Hagar, who goes on to give birth to Abraham’s first born son, Ishmael who is a direct ancestor of Muhammad. Sarah treats Hagar badly and she flees with her son to the desert where they almost die of thirst. But the man god was with them and they find a well, drink and are saved. We can read about this episode also in The Satanic Verses. Anyway, the man god instructs Abram and Sarai, to change their names to the man god-given ones of Abraham and Sarah, Abraham meaning father of the multitude and Sarah meaning Princess. Let’s not let these insights into ancient Biblical family life discredit Abraham, or his Iraqi origins, in any way, it just shows how complicated life was for nomadic people in the days before the Ten Commandments. Abraham is also credited with returning the lost Black Stone to the Ka’ba in Mecca which had been given to him by the angel Gabriel and which he rebuilt with his first-born son Ishmael.
Research in the modern library at Alexandria has recently thrown new light on Abraham’s origins. Apparently, thanks to a revised translation of the Old Antiquary work of the first century historian Joseph ’R’ Us it has been established that Abraham, who had more passports than your average modern terrorist, was in fact a Scottish apprentice Neolithic stone mason who had sailed from Skara Brae in Orkney with a group of 40 master builders who had secured the shop-fitting tender for the mall of the Ur ziggurat around 1850 BCE. Strange, but true.
In the days before gentlemen wore bifurcated clothes Abraham also introduced the woollen kilt or skirt into Babylonian society. Yes, the displacement of the loin-cloth by the A-line skirt as it later became known is further testimony to Abraham’s Scottish origins though Babylonian dandies preferred a skirt and shawl (plaid or tallith) built up of twisted tufts of wool or flax arranged in flounces, a little like building up layers of a ziggurat or early design of the ra-ra. Some even went as far as outrageously adding fringes to their skirts. See, for example, the statue of King Assurbanipal in the British Museum. Later, Abraham also tried to introduce his designs to the Egyptian market by appealing to them with the Ra-RA but this met with resistance for unlike other ancient peoples the Egyptians made little use of wool, since animal fibres were considered impure. The A-line skirt has, however, survived until this very day though its history in the Holy Land was punctuated by the arrival of the toga, which Roman designers copied from the Etruscans. Equally true, but not so strange.
Further evidence of Abraham’s Scottish origins can be traced to the Aramaic Bible where the name of the man god is given as Ay which stems directly from the Scottish expression “Och Ay” signifying “Oh yes, man god consider it done” similar to the Germanic “Jawohl”. Finally, Abraham is also credited with the introduction of the skullcap into Babylonian society. This stems from the Orkney or ancient Norse custom of placing a kipper (kippa) on the cranium as a talisman. Strange as at it may be the smoked kipper actually purifies the spirit in preparation for the soul departing the body via the fontanel, the vacancy between the parietal bones.
Now this is just to point out that the whole question of origin is quite important because if you don’t know where you are coming from how do you know where you are going? For example, if Abraham was neither Scottish nor Iraqi but Egyptian this would put a totally different complexion on claims to the Bible lands in modern Israel. Why not ask the aptly named Judith Kipper, a Council on Foreign Relations expert on the Middle East, for an explanation?
It is, perhaps, worth mentioning in passing here something about the origins of the in-fighting in Islam. This can be traced back to the Battle of the Camel in CE 656. Then, factions loyal to Muhammad’s son-in-law Ali (Shias) battled it out over the Prophet’s succession with supporters of Abu Bakr (Sunnis, representing today 90% of muslims) a close companion of Muhammad’s. Although both groups recognise Muhammad as the last Prophet (pbuh) the divisions have survived to this very day with results which are visible in Iran which has a Shia majority and Iraq with a Sunni majority. There are parallels, between the rivalries between Roman Catholics and Protestants, the Hillies & the Billies, the Hutus and the Tutsis.